Jennifer Schlickbernd: Ask Ms. Meeples – Daddy Thinks He Knows Best

Folks, I need your help as I am completely and totally out of questions! Please send questions to me at askmsmeeples@gmail.com!! As you can see from previous columns, in no way do I divulge who you are or even where you are unless you include that information in your own signature as part of your question. Even if you know me and might ask such questions in person, please still send them in – use an anonymous email from Gmail or Hotmail if you are more comfortable with that. I’ll continue to do tips even without questions, but the questions are way more interesting! No tip today as I’m helping Eric Martin reduce his workload pre-Essen.

On to this week’s question!

Dear Ms. Meeples,

The problem occurs thusly:

A game is begun, usually not too complicated. A father and daughter are sat next to each other. Nothing too amiss here. Then it comes to the daughter’s turn – and then the father takes over. He gives excessive advice, more often outright telling her which decisions to make, to at one point, taking a hand of cards and playing the turn for her. This is where the problem lies. Not only must it be rather difficult to learn the game when the entire experience of actually playing is missing, but he spends as much time on her turn as his own.

What we really need is a tactful solution to separate them and have his daughter gain some confidence on her own – then hopefully to get some of our evening back.

Most of the time, this issue is seen with couples: the male counterpart of the couple tells the female counterpart exactly how to play her turn, what to do, discourages her from deciding for herself, etc. But as you relate above, this situation can occur with fathers and daughters, too.

You need to separate what their issue is and what your issue is as part of the group that is playing the game. Unfortunately, unless you know the two really well, intervening in order to give her more confidence or to tell the father what a pig he’s being just won’t work. So it’s important to focus on how their behavior affects the gaming group.

There are two ways of going about this. The first would be during the game, when you interrupt the father and let him know that in board games, each player is expected to take her own turn. Say that it’s unfair to the rest of the players when he is essentially playing two positions and everyone else is playing one. Also note that he is slowing down the game considerably when he stops to explain everything to the daughter. You could suggest to the daughter directly that if she has questions about the rules – after they’ve been explained to the group, of course – that she needs to ask and that anyone at the table will be happy to help her out. Be sure to talk directly to the daughter, too; don’t discuss the daughter’s game play through her father as this will only exacerbate the situation.

This solution will work best if you discuss what you are going to do with the rest of the board game group beforehand, as they are almost certainly as concerned about this behavior as you are. When speaking to the father at the game table, use your most pleasant attitude and reinforce that you enjoy playing with both of them – it’s just that each player needs to play her own turn.

The other way to do this is to take the father aside and talk with him privately. If you think he’s going to cause a ruckus in the game, then a private talk is the way to go. This situation isn’t as good as you don’t have the apparent support of the rest of the group. You’ll say the same things to him and see what happens. Again, it’s important that you don’t concentrate on how much his actions are hurting his daughter because he’ll only get defensive. Sad, I agree, but I haven’t seen a successful way for a near stranger to help the larger issue of his domination of her.

Don’t expect an instant turnaround, but if he accepts what you’re saying, then it will be easier to remind him when he later tries to take over his daughter’s turns again. Naturally if this practice continues unabated, the group has to make a decision on whether or not they want to continue playing with them.

I realize that this behavior happens when the more experienced player of the couple is trying to both help and protect the less experienced player – and many times the less experienced player will lean heavily on the more experienced player on her own – but for those of you reading this, everyone’s experience will ultimately be improved if the less experienced player is allowed to become more experienced on her own. So for those guys who want their wives/significant others to play games with them in a group, be sure to play with a pleasant fun group, and let them make some mistakes here and there. It’s the best way to learn.

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