Shannon Appelcline: The Ten Commandments of Gaming

Let the following be the ten commandments that all board gamers shall abide by.

1. Thou Shalt Be Even Tempered and Good Natured. Be not surly if the game goes poorly for you, if a neighbor breaks a deal, or if you feel your position is impossible to win. Instead, go forth with a smile, and thus continue to enjoy the game yourself and make it enjoyable for others. Further, address your temperament to the mood of the game. Do not be loud and boisterous if your gaming partners are not, and similarly do not be dour and sullen when there is an air of frivolity upon the table. If the temperament of the table does not suit your own, then find another table rather than forcing your mood upon others.

2. Thou Shalt Not Blame Thy Failings On Others. Neither blame the dice nor the game for your loss. Do not harp upon how badly designed the game is--unless perhaps it is the sentiment of the entire table. And especially, never blame your losses upon the bad play of others. He who sayeth “The winner of Puerto Rico is he who sitteth to the left of the newest player” is an arrogant ass who was not invited back for the next game. If you can, instead speak well of others’ plays, congratulating them upon the brilliant moves which pushed you down into ignoble defeat.

3. Thou Shalt Not Cheat. This one scarcely need be said, but sadly there are those who violate the covenant of the gaming table by fixing rolls, by paying insufficiently for their purchases, and perhaps even by palming the game pieces after shouting, “Look! Over There!” If you do these things, you should seek the couch instead of the table, so that you may explain your obsession with victory to one who might help.

4. Thou Shalt Not Go Slower Than Is Thy Due. If you are the slowest at the table, then you should make an attempt to speed your play. Even if you feel like it may disadvantage you--that you might thus be making a subpar move--you should simply accept this and go forward at the speed of your peers. Sometimes it may feel like you are going at the speed of the cheetah, with little chance to think, but when you are done, you will still find that you have had fun, and your gaming partners will have had their gaming experience improved all the more. If you can not play as fast as your peers, then you should move to your level, just as liquid can rise up to become vapor or sink down to become a solid. That is, find others who are comfortable playing at the same speed as you.

5. Thou Shalt Participate in Game Selection without Domination or Else Thou Shalt Enjoy the Game Selected without Complaint. For any larger group, picking out a game can be the toughest thing. The only two times I’m likely to see a dozen adults staring aimlessly at the floor and refusing to make eye contact are at a computer programmers’ get-to-know-you-dance and when a group of gamers are trying to pick out what to play next. If you’ve got something that you want to play, offer it up, but don’t be Mr. Rudey McRude who just puts a game down on a table and expects other people to play it without discussion. If you refuse to offer an opinion, then quickly and politely choose a game when a couple have been offered. Don’t be that guy who refuses to offer anything positive, but knocks down any option that someone else offers up. No one likes that guy.

6. Thou Shalt Not Start Late, Leave Early, or Otherwise Disrupt the Flow of the Game. If there’s a start time for you game, be there. If you’re not, call ahead and let people know. There’s these evil devices called cell phones that allow the whole world to be in touch during every single moment of the day. And, if you’re late, don’t be surprised when a filler’s been started while people wait for you. It might even be nice if you politely acknowledged that you’re glad they started a short game so they didn’t have to wait around for you. Similarly, if you’ve committed to a game, then stick around to the end. You can be excused if something’s gone way over time, but leaving a game that’s not going long is the heart of rudeness and could ruin the game for everyone else. Finally, show common sense with regard to food, parking meters, and even bathroom breaks. If it can wait until after the game, it should, and if it can’t ... well, don’t be that guy who leaves the table two seconds before his turn every time. It might look like a super power, but at best it’s a super-villain power.

7. Thou Shalt Not Disrupt the Game with Talk. Games are in essence social interactions, and there should always be talk and laughter surrounding them. Perhaps even a few rounds of slug-bug. But you shouldn’t let that talking disturb the flow of the game; if anyone ever rudely interrupts your conversation to ask, “Whose turn is it?” then you’re probably guilty of this sin. (Take a pennace of five Hail Marys, two games of Time Control, and one read of the Brass rules.) You should be especially careful of those starlings who flit about the table, chittering and looking for seed. And, if you are one of those starlings, don’t talk to players who are taking their turns, and if you realize you’re interrupting the flow of the game, leave.

8. Thou Shalt Not Spill Thy Coke upon Thy Neighbor’s Game. Think about the munchies that you have at the game table, and be careful with them, because spilling your corn syrupy beverage all over someone else’s game is probably the fastest way to ruin an evening of gaming. Don’t snack unless it’s already understood to be allowed at your gaming venue. If you do, be careful. Drink from bottles or clever tippy cups rather than cans. Keep your drink toward a wall or at the corner of a table, and if there’s not enough room, keep it on the floor. Don’t eat sticky or crumbly foods unless you have napkins at hand, and generally don’t eat stuff that’ll stay on your hands if you’re playing with cards, as they’ll get ruined quicker than anything else. Cheese doodles should always be straight out.

9. Thou Shalt Not Lose Thy Neighbor’s Game Pieces. Even more generally, you should treat every game not as if it were your own but better than if it were your own. Be aware of the pieces you’re using and when a game is being put away, make an extra effort to make sure the game owner gets everything back. At the least, do a quick visual scan of your playing area and the floor beneath. If it makes sense, count your pieces as you bag them.

10. Thy Shalt Not Coddle Thy Own Wife. No offering favorable trades to your wife, nor bending over backward to avoid attacking her. No forming unspoken alliances. If you can’t bear upsetting her by showing off your strategic prowess, then play a partnership game like Bridge--though history suggests you’re more likely to end up sleeping on the couch for bidding 5-no-trick when you had a grand slam than for invading Irkutsk as part of your final conquest of Asia. And, don’t let my sexist phrasing fool you, it just fit in better with the theming of this list. But you shouldn’t coddle your husband either.

Around the Corners

I apologize for going missing in action in July, especially to my editor who only saw dead air rather than columns. I was struck down by some terrible plague, and it was all I could do to keep my eyes open and my fingers typing during the work day. Extra-curricular writing was wholly verboten. Hopefully I’m back now, and you’ll get to read my logorrhea every two weeks, once more. I’ve got articles on Descent and Catan floating around my head.

As you’d expect, my writing elsewhere has been pretty scarce over the same time period, but you can find reviews of Caveman and Merlin’s Company (for Shadows over Camelot) over at RPGnet.