The Classic Misadventures in Gaming #11

By Dan Bosley
July 19, 2006 (Originally Posted on March 5, 2003)

Editor’s Note: For those of you just tuning in, check out the first part of this story in The Classic Misadventures in Gaming #10.

Lance picks up his cards and starts to chuckle. “I’m so sorry, you guys, but I’m just going to stomp you at this here game of David & Goliath.� He chuckles again.

The order of players around the table is Carol, Bob, Lance, Diane, and me. It’s Diane’s lead. She leads a Green 7.

“Ha!� says Lance. “A green 7. Ha!�

I play a green 6. Carol plays a green 3. Bob plays a green 10.

It’s Lance’s turn. He doesn’t play anything. He is staring at the table.

“Are you clear on the rules, Lance?� I ask. “If you play a green 1 or a 2, you will get the 10. If you play a green 11 or higher, then Carol will get your card, and you will get all the rest.�

“And what if I don’t have a green card?� Lance asks.

“Then you play whichever card you want to play. Any 1 or 2 or 3 will give you the green 10. Any 10 or higher will give you the other cards on the table. And any other card you play will give you nothing.�

Lance starts bending the corner of one of the cards in his hand.

“What are you doing?� I ask Lance quickly.

“What?� he says.

“You’re bending the corner of that card in your hand. Please don’t.�

“Oh sorry, it’s just a nervous habit I have. I like to play with the cards while I’m holding them in my hand while I’m thinking. You should see some of the decks of cards I have at home. All the cards have bent corners.� Lance laughs.

“Well, that’s lovely, but this isn’t a deck of cards that you can just go buy at your neighbourhood corner store.� I am feeling very protective of my David & Goliath cards. I already have a wrinkled Blue 15 now, and I don’t need any more cards damaged.

“Sorry, no problem.� Lance plays a red 2. Lance wins the green 10, and Bob wins the other 4 cards.

Another few rounds go by.

Then, on the 6th round, Bob leads a Yellow 14. Lance is next to play. He studies his cards for a bit, and then plays a Green 2.

“Hey!� I say.

“Yes?� asks Lance.

“That’s a Green 2.�

“I know,� says Lance.

“But you have to follow suit,� says Bob.

“I don’t have any more yellow,� responds Lance.

“Well, O.K, but on the very first hand, green was played, and you didn’t play a green card. You played a red card,� I inform him.

“Yeah? So?� Lance asks.

Carol pipes in, “But Lance, you have to follow suit. If you have the colour, then you have to play a card in that colour. You can’t play some other colour instead.�

“I didn’t see it before,� explains Lance. “Sorry. When I looked at my hand earlier, I didn’t see this green 2. It was hidden accidentally behind one of my other cards. It’s not like I did it on purpose.�

“Fine, we’ll let it go this time, but try to be more careful next time.� I admonish Lance.

Two more rounds go by.

Diane leads a red 3. I play a red 1, the only red card I have left. Carol plays a red 13. Bob plays a red 14. This is looking good, I think. I don’t have any red cards yet - and that red 14 will look good in front of me on the table.

Lance is staring at the cards in his hand again. Then he plays a Green 1.

“A green card! You have ANOTHER green card!� I exclaim.

“Yes,� says Lance. “And now since I’ve played the lowest tied card of all, I win the red 14, if I’m not mistaken,� he states. And he grabs the red 14-card from the table.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,� I say. “You can’t do that. We just talked about this.�

“Lowest card takes the highest card. And if there’s a tie, the last card played between the tied cards wins. So I win,� Lance says.

“Yes, that’s the rule. But you had another green card.�

“Yes, sorry about that. It was stuck behind one of the other cards in my hand too. I didn’t see it before.�

I am somehow finding this a little hard to believe. One card, maybe. Two cards? That’s really starting to push it.

“I’ll be more careful in the next round,� states Lance.

“Well, I think we should start over again. This hand is no good. That’s 2 mistakes. I think we should just redeal and play the hand over again, that’ll be the easiest way to fix this,� I suggest.

“Hey, it was just an honest beginner’s mistake. No harm done. Let’s just keep playing,� says Lance.

I look at Lance. He is flashing me a winning smile. “What do the rest of you want to do?� I ask Diane, Bob & Carol.

“Oh, it’s O.K., Dan,� says Carol. “Lance hasn’t played this before.�

But Bob and Diane both vote for redealing and playing the hand again. As do I.

“But that’s not right,� protests Lance. “It’s not like I did it on purpose.� Lance starts playing with the corners of some of the cards still remaining in his hands.

“Hey, it’s just a game, Lance. We know you didn’t do it on purpose. But your little boo-boos have affected the outcome of the hand, so we have to re-do it,� I explain reasonably.

“Well, I think that’s a little harsh,� comments Lance. He sits there looking a little bit sulky for a moment. Then he says, “Fine. I’ll redeal them.�

We all throw our cards in, and Lance starts reshuffling them.

But then Lance says, “Excuse me, Carol, where’s your washroom?�

Carol tells him, and Lance heads off.

When he’s out of sight, Bob and I raise eyebrows and roll our eyes at each other.

Carol speaks up. “Did any of you notice how he keeps looking at his lap?�

“What?� I ask

“He keeps looking at his lap. At least I think he is,� Carol says.

“I thought he was just looking at his cards,� says Bob.

“No, I think you’re right, Carol. He does keep looking at his pants,� agrees Diane.

“Yes,� says Carol. “He’s glanced down there quite often.�

“He’s looking down there?� I ask.

“Yes, you haven’t noticed?� Carol says.

“Not that,� I say. “He does seem to have a bit of a green-deficiency, though,� I intone.

Diane is nodding, and says to Carol, “He is definitely looking at his pants a lot.�

“Maybe he’s checking to make sure he still has them on,� I offer.

“What?� says Carol.

“Nothing. Never mind,� I tell her.

We hear the toilet flush.

“He’ll be coming back,� says Bob.

“Hmmm,� I say.

Lance returns and takes his seat. Before he sits down, I see him definitely looking at his pants. He finishes shuffling the cards and redeals them out.

We manage to get through one complete hand without any wrong-colour cards being played. And Lance is now leading after the first hand. As soon as the hand is finished, Lance grabs all the cards to shuffle them again.

“It’s my turn to shuffle,� says Diane.

“That’s O.K,� says Lance. “I enjoy shuffling. I’m an excellent shuffler.� Lance finishes shuffling and then he gets up to go to the washroom AGAIN. Everyone else refills their drinks.

“He just went,� comments Bob, when Lance is out of sight.

“Weak bladder, I guess,� I say.

“Did you see him that time?� asks Carol. “He was looking at his pants again.�

“Yes,� I agree. “He even looked at them before he sat down. You might say Lance glanced at his pants in advance.�

“Good thing we’re not in France, or you could say Lance glanced at his pants in France in advance,� says Bob.

“You guys!� says Diane.

“Maybe he’s got a problem,� says Bob. “I mean the guy just went. And now he’s going again. Maybe that’s why he’s looking at his pants....�

“Could be. As they say, no matter how you dance and prance, the last few drops go down your pants. Why don’t you ask him?� I ask Bob, kiddingly..

“Maybe he’s just nervous,� Diane says.

“I hope he’s washing his hands,� says Carol a bit worriedly.

“Well then, why don’t you ask him THAT?� I say to Carol.

“Hey, look,� says Bob. Bob is shuffling the cards some more while waiting for Lance to return. “This card has a crease in it, too. It’s the yellow 15. So now you have two cards with creases in them. And they’re both 15’s.�

“Let me see that,� I say. Yes, the card is definitely creased. You can see the crease from the back of the card. “Swell,� I say, a bit unhappily.

With the 5-player game that we are playing, the 15’s are the highest cards in play. A thought strikes me.

“Do any of the other cards have creases?� I ask.

Bob starts going quickly through the deck. He finds 2 more cards. The Purple 15 and the Blue 1. Both of them have creases, too! But strangely, the Red 15 and the Green 15 and the Yellow 1 are all missing. Missing from the deck entirely. Missing......missing.....

“Go through the deck again,� I say. Bob does so. They are definitely not in the deck.

“Don’t say anything when he comes back. I have a hunch I know where they are,� I say.

Diane says, “You don’t think....�

“Here he comes,� says Carol.

Lance resumes his seat. Lance glances at his pants again. “O.K.,� he says. He picks up the cards and gives them another couple of shuffles. Then he deals them out. “Let’s go,� he says.

We play a few rounds.

And then....

And then Lance plays the red 15.

The red 15.

The red 15 that wasn’t in the deck a few minutes ago.

The red 15 that now has a crease in it.

“Well, now, isn’t that interesting?� I comment.

Lance looks up at me. “What?�

“That card you just played,� I inform him.

“What about it?� asks Lance. “It’s a red 15. It’s your turn, Diane.�

Diane looks at me. Bob looks at me. Carol looks at me. Lance is glancing at his pants.

“That card wasn’t in the deck a few moments ago,� I advise Lance.

“What? What do you mean?� inquires Lance.

“While you were in the washroom, Bob happened to notice another card had a crease in it. Just like the Blue 15. Only this was the Yellow 15. And then we found the Purple 15 with a crease in it. And then the Blue 1 with a crease in it, too.�

Lance shrugs his shoulders. “That’s too bad. I guess you’ll just have to be more careful with your cards. Cards get bent when they get played, you know. If you played a lot of cards like I have, you would know that. It’s just one of those things. If this is such a special deck, it’s probably best that you buy a couple of extras for backups.�

“The 15’s and the 1’s are the most important cards in a 5-player game of David & Goliath.� I instruct.

“I realize that,� states Lance.

“Isn’t it odd that only the most important cards in the deck have creases?� I ask

“Just one of those things,� says Lance.

“There’s another thing too,� I say.

“What’s that?� asks Lance.

“The Red 15 wasn’t in the deck while you were in the washroom,� I tell him.

“Of course it was. I just played it,� Lance says defensively.

“Why yes, it’s in the deck now. Because you did just play it. But it WASN’T in the deck before. Bob went through the deck twice. And the Green 15 and the Yellow 1 were also missing while you were in the washroom. You wouldn’t happen to have them in your hand now, would you? Does anyone else here have the Green 15 or the Yellow 1?�

“Are you accusing me of something?� Lance suddenly says quickly and dangerously.

“What do you think?� I ask him.

Lance leaps to his feet abruptly and throws the cards at the table. “How DARE you!!!!!� he yells.

Lance moves around Diane and heads straight for me menacingly, his hands clenched in fists. Not once does he glance at his pants.

“Your fly’s undone,� I tell him.

To be continued...... 

© 2006 Rick Thornquist

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