Boardgame News

The Classic Misadventures in Gaming #12

By Dan Bosley
July 23, 2006 (Originally Posted on March 12, 2003)

Editor’s Note: For those of you just tuning in, check out the first and second parts of this story in The Classic Misadventures in Gaming #10 and The Classic Misadventures in Gaming #11.

“Your fly’s undone,�? I tell him.

Lance stops dead in his tracks, and looks down at his fly. “No, it isn’t,�? he cries out.

“I was just kidding. Just kidding, that’s all. Relax, Lance, relax,�? I tell him.

Lance is standing right beside me. His face is a churning torrent of emotions. I think for a few seconds there he actually contemplated doing something rash (also known as “causing me much pain�?), but at the moment he is just standing there, towering over me.

Lance says, “You....you were accusing me of....of.....�?

“Listen, Lance,�? I tell him. “Why don’t you just sit down? Try to relax.�?

“Yes,�? agrees Carol. “Please sit down, Lance,�? Carol pleads. “There’s no need to get all worked up. Let’s just start over fresh, and play some more David & Goliath.�?

Despite these pleas, Lance does seem to be a bit worked up, though. Lance’s face is now churning quite a bit. His nose suddenly seems to slide over a bit on his face. I blink. I can’t believe what I thought I just saw. I surely didn’t see his nose shift position on his face. Surely not. Even if his nose did appear to move only slightly. I’m not sure if anyone else saw it, but I’m sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me. But what I saw was impossible. So I must have imagined it. Too much rum and coke, I guess.

Lance is still standing there right beside me, hovering over me while I am still seated in my chair. And while he’s standing there, his whole body does a little tremor, like he’s having a mild little personal earthquake. It’s not really like a seizure. It’s more of a quick, brief all-over body shiver or a shudder. But it IS noticeable.

But then Lance’s nose shifts slightly on his face again, and this time I’m not alone. Bob, Carol and Diane all see it too. I can see the puzzlement and surprise and disbelief in their eyes. Everyone at the table is now staring at Lance, as his facial twitching is now becoming much more pronounced.

“Lance,�? asks Carol, with concern in her voice. “Are you O.K.?�?

A red, almost vertical line has appeared on Lance’s forehead, directly above his nose, and going up into his hairline. That red line wasn’t there a few moments ago. But it’s there now. It looks almost like a recently healed scar.

Bob says, “Lance, you don’t look well at all. You better sit down.�?

Lance grimaces, and shuts his eyes. But he stays standing up beside me.

The red line in his forehead suddenly cracks. The skin along the edges of the crack peels back a little and actually splits apart! A small crevice has now appeared in Lance’s forehead. At the same time, as impossible as it is to comprehend, a strange, hissing-type sound seems to be emanating from that fissure in Lance’s face.

We are all staring wide-eyed at Lance. A red vertical line has now appeared on his chin, reaching up to his lower lip.

“Lance�? cries out Carol. “What’s wrong with you?!�?

“Lance,�? barks out Bob. “Your face....your face!�?

Diane is leaning as far away from Lance as she can get. I can hardly blame her. I’m not any too anxious to be too close to Lance, either. Whatever he has, I sure don’t want to catch it!

The hissing sound gets louder, and suddenly without warning, Lance’s left ear starts to droop and swing madly at the side of his head. As if it wasn’t properly attached to his head. None of this can be happening, it simply can’t!

We all push back rapidly in our chairs away from the table. The crack in Lance’s forehead now splits down the front of his face in a horrifying zig-zaggy effect. The hissing sound is hugely loud now. And as unbelievable as it seems, I can see GREEN at the bottom of the crack in Lance’s forehead. It almost looks scale-like, which is also impossible. Lance reaches up to his face, and inserts his fingers into the crack in his face.

And then he pulls off his head.

His Lance head.

Staring at us now is a green lizard-like abomination! We all start SCREAMING! This is not happening, this is not happening!

Lance flicks his tongue out rapidly. It is long and fast and very red. He turns to face me. His eyes are glistening blood red, bright red. My own eyes are bugging out. I am totally freaked. I am going insane, I must be! I am going insane! Lance glances at his pants again, and then suddenly grabs me by the throat. My wind is cut off, and I can no longer scream. I can only scream silently inside my head.

Which I am doing quite a lot of, let me tell you.

And I can’t breathe, either. Lance’s grip around my throat tightens. I sort of vaguely see Bob attempting to come to my rescue and hitting and hitting the Lance-thing on the back. Everything goes black. I’ve lost the game, I’ve lost the game.....

“Your fly’s undone,�? I tell him.

Lance stops dead in his tracks, and looks down at his fly. “No, it isn’t,�? he cries out.

“I was just kidding. Relax, Lance, relax,�? I tell him.

Sorry, they always do these dream-type sequences in the movies. I just thought I’d stick one into a Misadventure. So sue me.

“Hey Lance,�? says Bob. “Just sit down, O.K.? I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding.�?

“Yes, please, Lance, have a seat,�? Carol invites him. “Everything’s O.K.�?

Lance is looking down at me. “I don’t like being accused of being a cheater,�? he says, directly into my face.

“Not many people do,�? I agree.

Lance glares at me some more.

“If I made a mistake, I apologize,�? I tell Lance.

He thinks that over for a moment. I guess it mollifies him, because he suddenly sticks his hand out. I flinch back, thinking he was about to punch me. But he’s just trying to shake hands. I shake his hand.

“Why don’t we play something else?,�? suggests Carol. “This game is maybe too stressful for everyone.�?

We gather up the cards. As I’m sorting them out to put them back in the box, I see the green 15. There’s a crease in it.

I have no doubts whatsoever how that crease got there. Lancy-fancy-glancy-pants, that’s how.

“Oh, look,�? I say innocently. “This green 15 has a crease too.�?

Lance looks at me. His face is churning again. Lance looks like he is going to say something to me. And then he does. “Listen, I’m sorry. I apologize. I’m a jerk. How much?�?

“How much what?�? I ask him.

“How much money?�?

“How much money what?�? I ask him again.

“How much to buy this here copy of David & Goliath?�?

“This copy? You want to buy this copy?�? I ask.

“Yes. I’m offering to buy the game from you, and then you can use the money to buy a new copy.�?

“How about $150.00?�? I suggest.

“No, that’s too much. How about $20.00?�? he counteroffers.

“Sold!�? I tell him.

“All right,�? he says. He pulls his wallet out and pays me the money. In cash. Lance now owns the creased copy of David & Goliath. And now I can buy a new copy of the game. A copy with no creased cards. It works for me.

“I’d like to keep playing this game. I like it,�? says Lance.

“It is a good game, isn’t it?�? Carol agrees.

“May I make a suggestion?�? I interrupt. “How about we take out the 1’s and the 15’s, and for the rest of the night we use the 16’s and 17’s. That way, NONE of the cards in play will have any creases in them.�?

Everyone thinks that’s a good idea, and so we do just that.

As we start playing again, Lance glances at his pants again.

“Uh....Lance,�? I say.

“Yeah?�?

“This may seem kind of personal, but....but why do you keep looking at your pants?�?

“Am I?�?

“Yes. We’ve all noticed that habit.�?

“Sorry, I wasn’t aware I was doing that. I don’t know why. Nervous habit, I suppose. Hey, do you guys know what the English bus driver said to the one-legged, 3-headed guy with no arms at the bus stop?�? Lance asks.

“Is this a joke?�? asks Carol.

Everyone looks at Carol.

Carol looks back at everyone.

Everyone still looks at Carol.

Waiting.....

Carol is still looking back at everyone.

“Oh,�? she says. “I guess it is.�?

“What’d he say?�? asks Bob.

Lance says, “Allo, ‘allo, ‘allo, you look ‘armless, ‘op on then.�?

“Your fly’s undone,�? I tell him.

Lance stops dead in his tracks, and looks down at his fly. “No, it isn’t,�? he cries out.

“I was just kidding. Relax, Lance, relax,�? I tell him.

Sorry, they always do these dream-type sequences twice in the movies. I just thought I’d stick another one into a Misadventure. So sue me again.

“Stand up,�? Lance says to me.

“Why?�? I ask.

“So I can hit you.�? Lance informs me.

“So you can hit me?�?

“Yes.�?

“You’re going to hit me if I stand up?�? I inquire.

“Yes.�?

“Are you going to hit me if I stay sitting down?�?

“No.�?

“O.K. In that case, I think I’ll stay seated.�?

I keep my seat.

“Stand up,�? Lance commands again.

“You’re going to hit me if I stand up?�? I double-check.

“Yes,�? acknowledges Lance.

“And you’re not going to hit me if I stay sitting down?�?

“That’s right,�? advises Lance.

“Well, from a game-point of view, I think my best move is to stay sitting down.�?

“If you don’t stand up, I’m going to hit you while you’re sitting down,�? Lance informs me.

“Oh,�? I say. “The rules are changing?�?

“Yes,�? says Lance. “I’ve changed the rules. I can hit you when you’re standing up, or I can hit you when you’re sitting down. Your choice.�?

“What if I crouch? That’s not covered, is it?�? I am curious to know.

“Crouch? You’re going to crouch?�? Lance asks.

“I might. You said you will hit me if I’m standing up, or you will hit me if I’m sitting down. But you didn’t say anything about hitting me when I’m crouching.�?

“I can hit you when you’re crouching too, you know,�? Lance tells me.

“So. Let me get this straight. You can hit me when I’m standing, or when I’m sitting, or when I’m crouching. Correct?�?

“Yes,�? says Lance. “I think that about covers it. So what’s it going to be?�? he asks.

“I don’t know yet. Is there a time limit?�?

“You’re getting me confused,�? says Lance. “A time limit to what?�?

“Is there a time limit within which I must decide? Do I have to choose my best move while under time pressure? I don’t have the leisure to weigh all the options, all the pros and cons, and come to a wise and educated optimal decision? These are all valid questions that must be answered before I can properly play this game,�? I carefully instruct Lance.

“What game?�? asks Lance.

“The Hit or Hit Not game you apparently would like to play,�? I say.

“This is dumb. I’m going to hit you. Which way do you want to get hit?�? Lance asks again.

“What about lying down? I don’t recall you mentioning anything about hitting while I was lying down. You haven’t mentioned that at all. I think that’s important to know. Is that an exception to the rule? I need to know that. It’s really hard to play a game well if you don’t know all the rules,�? I feel obligated to explain to Lance.

“No, I won’t hit you if you’re lying down,�? says Lance.

“Oh, well that’s good. That’s good to know,�? I acknowledge.

“If you’re lying down, I’ll just stomp you instead,�? Lance enlightens me.

“Oh! Well, that’s something new. I didn’t know about that before. You really should have mentioned that earlier,�? I notify Lance.

“It never came up before,�? Lance says sulkily.

“Well, let’s go over the rules again, shall we?�? I ask. “You’re going to hit me if I stand up?�?

“Yes,�? acknowledges Lance.

“And you’re going to hit me if I stay sitting down?�?

“That’s right,�? advises Lance.

“And you’re going to hit me if I crouch?

“Yes.�?

“And you’re going to stomp me if I lie down?�?

“Yes.�?

“Well, let’s go over the rules again, shall we?�? I ask. “You’re going to hit me if I stand up?�?

“We’ve already done this. Yes!�? exclaims Lance.

“And you’re going to hit me if I stay sitting down?�?

“Why am I getting the feeling of deja vu?�? asks Lance.

“Your fly’s undone,�? I tell him.

Posted by Rick Thornquist on Jul 23, 2006 at 06:40 PM in Special Features, Misadventures in Gaming / 1155

The Classic Misadventures in Gaming #12

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