The Classic Misadventures in Gaming #13

By Dan Bosley
July 26, 2006 (Originally Posted on March 26, 2003)

Editor’s Note: For those of you just tuning in, check out the first, second and third parts of this story in The Classic Misadventures in Gaming #10, The Classic Misadventures in Gaming #11 and The Classic Misadventures in Gaming #12.

Apparently, judging from the various e-mails I received, some of you weren’t all together pleased with Misadventures # 12. Despite that chapter’s obvious truthfulness, a few readers somehow came to the unlikely conclusion that the events related therein were fictional. Others of you felt that #12 didn’t properly bring the David & Goliath & Lance saga to its proper conclusion and clamored for closure. A few of you thought that maybe I should take up writing restaurant menus instead of Misadventures.

Of course I was utterly and totally dismayed by all this, and moped about for several days, and then I soul-searched and communicated with my inner self for several more days, and then I went for a long walk off a short pier and debated with myself the pros and the cons of revealing what really happened at the end of that particular evening.

I struggled with indecision, and didn’t know what to do. How to decide, how to decide? Would it be safe to tell all? Safe to tell what really transpired with Lance that night? How could I possibly tell what really happened?

I hemmed. Then I hawed. Then I hemmed and hawed one right after the other. Then I switched things about and hawed first and hemmed after. Then I hemmed twice in a row. Then I hawed, hemmed, hawed, hemmed, hemmed, hemmed and hawed. I could see I was getting nowhere with this. This wasn’t helping. How to decide, how to decide?

But then it came to me. In a stroke of inspiration, I figured out how to make my choice. I would play a game. A physical contest. A challenge of strength and muscular prowess. To the victor would go the spoils. I decided to arm-wrestle myself to see who would win. Whoever won would decide what to do.

It was a close contest. Too close, in my opinion. It was pretty stressful going there for quite a while. First Lefty was winning, but then Righty would come right back. Then Lefty would rebound and start to win. Then Righty again. For a long time, it was simply too close to call. Back and forth, back and forth, like a vicious tennis match. Way too close.

But in the end, I was indeed successful. I was victorious. I ended up acquiring the most victory points. I won.

Accordingly, I sat down to write the real ending of the David & Goliath & Lance saga.

But to my great surprise, I ended up with 2 versions. A short one, and a long one. Please read only one of them. If you’re pressed for time, then just read the short one. It’s shorter than the long one. Thank you.

The SHORT version:

Diane and I go to Bob and Carol’s house to play cards. We play David & Goliath. Their new neighbor Lance drops in. He joins us. Lance accidentally bends a card. Lance goes to the bathroom. Lance goes to the bathroom. Lance goes to the bathroom. Lance goes to the bathroom. Lance goes to the bathroom. Lance goes to the bathroom. Lance goes to the bathroom. Lance goes to the bathroom. Lance goes to the bathroom. During these times, Bob, Carol, Diane and I talk about Lance, and other stuff, too. Penelope comes over. Everybody says words and stuff. Lance goes to the bathroom. Lance goes to the bathroom. Lance goes to the bathroom. Lance goes to the bathroom. People say more stuff. Lance goes home. Lance comes back with a game. We play Lance’s game. I run screaming from the room. I go back. Everybody goes home. The End.

The LONG version:

Lance has just left to go the bathroom yet again. As soon as he’s our of earshot, Bob says, “I was watching him this time. I honestly didn’t see him do anything suspicious.�

“Yes,� agrees Diane. “I’ve been trying to see what he’s doing too. But other than looking at his lap a lot, I haven’t seen anything unusual either. He just keeps looking down there.�

“I wonder what’s so fascinating about his lap,� ponders Carol.

“I really don’t want to know about his lap,� I retort. “But I didn’t see him do anything unusual, either. But he’s got to be doing something. He keeps going to the bathroom, and then more and more cards keep mysteriously getting bends in them. He must be bending them in the bathroom, and then bringing them back and somehow secretly inserting them into the deck.�

“You think the cards are in his pants? You think he’s bending them in the bathroom and hiding them in his pants?� asks Carol.

“Maybe. I don’t know. If he was hiding them there, then he must be pretty slick to get them out of his pants and into the deck, because now we’re watching, and no one has noticed anything.�

“And his fly was done up this last time, I noticed that,� advises Diane.

“You were looking there?� I ask.

“Quit being insecure,� she tells me. “Yes, because I was trying to figure out how he’s doing it.�

Bob volunteers, “Maybe his looking down at his lap is some sort of misdirection. Like magicians do. He probably knows we’re watching him now. And he keeps looking down there to throw us off. It’s to make us think he’s slipping cards in behind his fly.�

“Oh, gross,� says Diane.

“I really, really, really have to buy a new deck,� I comment.

Bob continues, “But I bet he’s not actually putting them there. He’s really got them up his sleeve or something. That makes more sense than hiding them in his pants.�

“Well, it does and it doesn’t. These bends in the cards aren’t exactly subtle. If he’s so slick that he can sneak cards into the deck without us noticing, you’d think his little bends would be a lot more subtle or something. Something you’d only notice if you were really looking. But we can all tell the cards are bent at a glance. And that has made us all suspicious. Wouldn’t that be the last thing he’d want to have happen? He wouldn’t want us to suspect he’s cheating. If you’re going to cheat, you don’t want the other players to suspect that that’s what you’re doing,� I say.

“Well, you’ve got a point there,� agrees Bob.

“Maybe we should just look in his pants when he comes back,� suggests Carol.

“Then we’d know. When he comes back, we should just tell him we want to see in his pants.�

Bob, Diane and I look at each other.

And then we look at each other some more.

“Well, I’m not going to do that,� states Diane.

“Me, neither,� agrees Bob quite adamantly. “I have no desire at all to see what’s behind his zipper!�

“I really don’t think I should do it, either. It wouldn’t be proper,� says Carol.

Everyone looks at me.

“It’s your game,� says Bob. “You should be the one.�

“You guys are nuts. I am NOT going to ask to look in his pants!� I tell them.

Carol says, “You’re not going to ask him first? You’re just going to look without asking first?�

“NO!� I exclaim. “I’m not going to look at all.�

“But if you don’t look, how will you know?� inquires Carol.

“I won’t know! I’m NOT looking in his pants!� I tell them.

“I think you should,� says Carol. “If he’s got nothing to hide, then he should let you look. If you look and then you find some cards, then you’ll know for sure that he’s cheating.�

“And what if he doesn’t have any cards in there?� I ask.

“Then I guess he’s not cheating,� says Carol

“It might not be a total loss. You might find something else interesting instead,� chuckles Bob.

“Har-de-har-har. Exactly. And I don’t want to find that,� I tell him.

“I hear the toilet flushing,� says Diane. “He’s coming back.�

And he does.

Lance sits back down in the vacant chair. “Sorry guys, I have a bit of a medical condition. Nothing major. Just have to visit the little boy’s room a lot, that’s all.�

We play another round of David & Goliath. I am watching Lance like a hawk. I just don’t see him doing anything suspicious. Of course, he probably suspects that we suspect him, so he ISN�T doing anything right now. And that’s why we’re not seeing anything now. Because he isn’t doing anything right now.

Bob wins this round.

And sure enough, as soon as the round is over, off goes Lance again.

“Man, that must be a real pain to have to go to the bathroom that often,� comments Bob.

“Yeah - IF that’s what he’s actually doing,� I respond.

The doorbell rings.

“OH!� exclaims Carol. “There’s that sound again. We really ought to get that fixed soon, Bob.�

“Yes, I agree wholeheartedly. It is getting quite annoying,� answers Bob.

“That’s the doorbell,� I tell them.

“Oh, no,� advises Carol. “That’s not the doorbell. It just sounds like the doorbell. The real doorbell sounds more like a ding-dong.�

“That sounded pretty ding-dongish to me,� I tell her.

“I’m sure you’re mistaken,� says Carol.

“Well, I’m going to get the door anyhow, if you don’t mind.� And I get up, head downstairs, and open the door.

Standing there is a Dolly Parton clone. She looks just like Dolly Parton. Well, except for the face. But she looks just like Dolly Parton. If you know what I mean.

“Hello,� she says. “Are you Bob? I’ve heard so much about you.�

“Uh.... no, I’m Dan. I’m just visiting.�

“Oh! Hello, Dan.� She giggles, and extends her hand out to me as with her wrist bent and her fingers pointing to the ground. As if she expects me to kiss her hand or something. Instead, I just take her hand and shake it awkwardly.

“And who are you?� I ask.

“My name’s Penelope,� she giggles again. There’s a whole lot of shakin’ going on whenever she giggles, and it’s kind of distracting, if you get my drift.

She giggles again. I’m trying not to look. “Is my Lance here?� she asks.

“Uh, yeah, he’s upstairs. He’s...uh....playing a game with us.�

“Oh goody,� she claps her hands. “Lance loves games,� she informs me.

“So I’ve gathered,� I tell her.

“Is somebody there, Dan?� calls down Carol from the top of the stairs.

“Yes,� I holler back. “It’s Penelope. She’s looking for her Lance.�

Penelope giggles a whole bunch more. So does her body.

Carol comes down the stairs. “Hello,� she says. “My name’s Carol.�

“Hello,� says Penelope. “I was just looking for my Lance.�

“Oh, are you Lance’s wife?� asks Carol.

“Oh no!� exclaims Penelope. “We just sleep together, that’s all.� She giggles a whole bunch more. “Oh - and we eat meals together too. And sometimes we play Strip Twister,� she really giggles now.

“Strip Twister? Strip Twister? Can’t say I’ve heard of that,� I tell her.

“Oh, it’s lots of fun. I got the original idea from my friend Angela, but we’ve changed it a bit. Lance and I play it all the time now. It’s one of the best games ever! You should see us when we play it - it’s just so much fun! And you should see Lance when we get to the end of the game. It’s really something!�

This is really something, all right. Really something I don’t want to know.

Carol says, “Why don’t you come upstairs and play David & Goliath with us?�

“Oooooh! They sound hunky. Especially the Goliath fellow. I’d like to meet him.�

She giggles a bunch more. She stoops to take off her shoes and I have a view of the largest cleavage on Earth. I feel faint.

We all go upstairs. Carol introduces Penelope to Bob and Diane. Lance is still in the bathroom.

“Ohhh!� giggles Penelope. “Where’s this Goliath fellow?�

“Oh, there is no Goliath fellow,� says Carol.

“Don’t you let Lance hear that!� Penelope admonishes Carol

“No, no,� says Carol. “It’s the name of the game. David and Goliath.�

“Oh,� says Penelope. There is definite disappointment in her voice.

Lance returns to the table.

“Hello honey-bun,� says Penelope.

“Oh, Hi Penelope. Are you here?� asks Lance.

“Of course I’m here, silly! Can’t you see me?� she wiggles and giggles and shakes and shimmies and the room is short of oxygen.

“Penelope’s going to play with us,� Carol informs Lance.

“Great!� Lance responds. “Penelope loves to play games.�

“So we’ve heard. One in particular,� I wryly comment.

I explain to Penelope how to play David & Goliath. She nods a lot. “It sounds like fun,� she says. “Let’s play!�

We start a new game, now including the entire deck, with each of the 5 suits from 1 to 18.

“How come some of these cards have bends in them?� asks Penelope. “Have you been cheating again, Lance?� she asks him.

Well.

There we have it, right out in the open! Just like that!

Lance gives Penelope a look.

Penelope ignores the look. “Lance. Have you been bending cards again?�

Lance looks down at his lap. He won’t meet her eyes.

Penelope looks around the table at the rest of us. “Has Lance been cheating again?� she asks us.

“Well....� I say.

“Were these cards bent before you started playing with Lance?� Penelope interrogates us.

“No,� I say.

“Lance!� Penelope says firmly and quickly. “Look at me!� she snaps.

Lance reluctantly looks up from his lap.

“Didn’t we talk about this before? Didn’t we?� Penelope asks. She certainly is not giggling now. She’s almost a little....scary.

Lance looks a bit sheepish. “Yeah,� he mutters.

“Do you want to play our favorite game again later or not?� she asks.

Lance suddenly blushes. “Um, yes.�

“Well, then, you know what you have to do,� she says.

“Here?� he asks.

“Yes!� she commands.

“In front of everybody?�

“Yes. You know better. We’ve talked about this before. Now stand up and show everybody. Right now!� Penelope’s voice is very firm.

Bob, Carol, Diane and I are all speechless as we witness this verbal exchange between Penelope and Lance.

“But Penelope Sweet-Cakes, we hardly know these people...�

“Lance - right now. No more cheating. Show these people what you’ve been doing and you apologize right now!�

Lance is bright crimson. He slowly stands up from the table.

Penelope is breathing rather quickly, I notice. It’s hard not to notice when Penelope breathes quickly.

We are all looking at Lance.

Lance glances at his pants. And then....

To be continued......

© 2006 Rick Thornquist

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