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The Classic Misadventures in Gaming #14
The Classic Misadventures in Gaming #14
By Dan Bosley
July 30, 2006 (Originally Posted on April 10, 2003)
Editor’s Note: For those of you just tuning in, check out the previous parts of this story in The Classic Misadventures in Gaming #10, The Classic Misadventures in Gaming #11, The Classic Misadventures in Gaming #12 and The Classic Misadventures in Gaming #13.
Lance glances at his pants. He looks up at us. “I really don’t want to do this,� he says.
“LANCE,� admonishes Penelope rather loudly. I feel like saluting her, but I am afraid to do so in case she sees me. Who knows what she might do?
Lance looks down. He passes his arm down across his body. His hand passes in front of his crotch. It only seems to stop for a split second, if that, but suddenly there is a card in his hand.
“Holy one-syllable-word-for-excrement!� Bob exclaims.
I am a little amazed, to put it mildly. “How’d you do that?�
Carol is staring at Lance’s fly. At least I think it is his fly she is looking at intently. “Is your zipper done up?� she asks.
Lance is looking decidedly sheepish. “No, it’s undone.�
“Is it?� asks Diane. “It looks like it’s done up.�
“No, it’s undone,� he says again.
Penelope is trying to cross her arms, but her breasts keep getting in the way. She tries two or three more times until she finally remembers that the last time she was able to successfully cross her arms, she was ten years old. She drops her arms back to her sides instead. “Show them the reverse, now, Lance,� she orders.
Lance holds up the card so we can all see it. Then in one swift motion, he drops his arm. The card is in front of this crotch, and then it’s gone, and his arm is back in the air again.
“Man, that was fast!� comments Bob. “So where is it? Where’s the card? Is it actually inside your pants? Or are you just two-syllable-word-for-excrementing us? Is it up your sleeve?�
Lance doesn’t say anything. Instead, his hand flashes down to his crotch and back up again. Now there are TWO cards in his hand.
“No bloody way,� exclaims Bob.
Carol asks, “What else do you have in there?�
“Sorry, honey,� says Penelope. “That’s just for me to know. At least for now...� she hints suggestively.
“So Lance,� I say. “You’re sticking cards in your pants and taking them out again while we’re playing the game?�
“I’m sorry. Yes, I was.�
“People in the Old West got killed for doing that sort of thing when they played Poker,� I advise him.
“People stuck cards in their zippers?� asks Carol. “Did they have zippers back then? I thought they just had buttons in their flies.�
“Have you done extensive research, honey?� Penelope asks Carol. “Let me tell you, most men have zippers now.�
“Yes, but we’re talking about the Old West, Penelope,� lectures Carol.
“Yeah, when men were men and sheep were nervous,� says Bob.
Lance apologizes again. “I’m sorry. I really am. It’s a weakness of mine. I was just trying to have some fun at first, but then I got carried away, and overdid it. I know it looks like I’m an awful cheater, but I’m really not.�
“So what’s that mean? That you’re really a good cheater, instead?� I ask.
“No, no,â€? says Lance. “I’m not a cheater. I really don’t usually do the trick sitting down, only when I’m standing up. But I tried it sort of spur of the moment here, and it worked. So then I had to try it again to see if it was just a fluke the first time. And it worked again. And then naturally, I just had to keep doing it and doing it to see how long I could keep doing it.â€?
Penelope giggles. “That’s what I like to hear. That’s my man. You just remember that later tonight, honey.� She giggles again. She even seems to blush a little bit. The ol’ breasts are heaving again.
Carol looks a little perplexed. “Are you talking about the same thing we’re talking about?�
I interrupt. “I don’t think so. So - I’ve got a question. If you’re so fast and slick with your hands, why did you have to bend the cards so much? Sort of defeats the purpose of being sneaky, doesn’t it?� I inquire.
“Listen,� says Lance. “I’m sorry, I really, really am. I’m not a cheater. I didn’t really set out to cheat or be sneaky. It just sort of happened. The first card bend was really an accident. To tell you the truth, I don’t really know why I did it after that. I just did. I’m really, really sorry.�
“Why, Lance, that’s one of the nicest apologies you’ve ever made,� says Penelope.
“You’ve heard him apologize a lot?� I ask.
Penelope gives me a quick dagger-look. Then the smile is back, and the breasts are jiggling and threatening to take on a life of their own as she starts to laugh. “Oh, no, silly. He doesn’t usually get caught!� She laughs some more.
“Listen,� says Lance. “Really. I AM sorry. Let me buy this game off you. I’ll give you the money, and you can buy a new copy, with nice, clean, pristine cards.�
“All right,� I agree. Lance gives me some money.
“Listen,� he says again. “I’ve got a game at home you might like. And there’s no cards involved, so you don’t have to worry about me trying to cheat or anything. Why don’t I go home and get it?�
“Is is hard to learn?� asks Carol. “I don’t like a game with too many rules. There’s too much stuff to remember when there’s too many rules.�
“No, it’s easy,� responds Lance. “I’m sure you’ll like it. It’s a great game. All my co-workers love it. Hey, and you know what else? I’ve got some extra copies. I’m going to give each of you a copy of the game, sort of as an apology for my earlier behavior.�
He has extra copies? He likes the game so much he has extra copies sitting around the house to give away?
“Sure,� says Bob. “I’ll always take free stuff.�
“What kind of game is it?� asks Diane.
“Oh, it’s a dice game. It’s really great,� Lance informs us.
“What’s it called?� I ask.
“L-C-D, I think,� he says, as he heads down the stairs and out the door.
“L-C-D?� I repeat. “L-C-D? Does that stand for something?�
“Isn’t that what hippies used to take back in the 60’s?� asks Carol.
“Close, but not quite,� Bob says.
Penelope says, “Oh, it is a fun game. We’ve played it lots of times with our friends. Lots of laughs and excitement. Those are the best kind of games. Ones with lots of excitement.� And her breasts start heaving up and down again.
“So does L-C-D stand for something?� I ask.
“Yes, yes it does.� advises Penelope. “But I can’t remember what it is.�
“Liquid Crystal Display,� says Diane.
“Lowest Common Denominator,� says Carol.
“Let’s Crush Dan,� says Bob.
“Oh no, it’s none of those,� says Penelope. “It’s something to do with left and right.�
We hear the door open downstairs, and Lance re-enters the house.
“Hi, I’m back.� Lance tells us. He walks in carrying 3 small identical plastic tubes. Each one is about an inch in diameter and 4 or 5 inches long. He gives one to me and one to Bob. “I’m sure you guys will like this game. Here’s your free copies.�
“Thanks,� Bob and I say at the same time.
“O.K.,� Lance says. “We’ll play my copy. This is a great game. It’s called L-C-R.�
“L-C-R? I thought it was called L-C-D.� I comment.
“Nope, it’s L-C-R. That stands for Left - Centre - Right. Now - I’m just wondering if we should play the beginner rules, or go right for the advanced rules.� Lance looks around at us.
Carol looks worried. “I think we should just play the beginner rules, at least when we start. Then if it’s not too hard, maybe later we can do the advanced rules.�
“Fine,� says Lance. “That makes great sense.� Lance pops the plastic lid (much like a cork) off one end of the small plastic tube. He turns it on end, and 3 dice fall out, and a bunch of miniature green plastic poker chips. There’s also a 3-inch by 5 inch piece of paper all rolled up inside - the rules.
“O.K., everyone take 5 chips each and put them in front of you,� instructs Lance.
We all do so.
“Now listen, everybody,� says Lance. I’ve found before when I explain how to play a game, that everybody immediately assumes that I am the expert, and that I am the one who everyone should try and beat. Well, I’m here to tell you, that while I AM really good at this game, I’m no expert. Anyone of you here could win. So no picking on me, O.K.?�
Penelope giggles some more. “Oh Lance, you are so the one we have to beat. Don’t listen to him, you guys. He’s really good at this game. He just knows how to play it so well, you’ll just have to be really on your toes to beat him.�
“So how do we play?� asks Bob.
Lance picks up one of the 3 dice and holds it up for all to see. He slowly turns it about so that all the faces get shown. On one side is the letter “L�. On one side is the letter “C�. On one side is the letter “R�. And there is a big, black dot on each of the 3 other sides.
“O.K, now all 3 dice are exactly the same,� Lance tells us.
“Are they loaded? Or weighted?� I ask suspiciously.
“No, no. These are perfectly normal dice. They’re not loaded, they’re not marked.� Lance hands one of the dice to me. As if I could tell something was fishy about them just by looking and holding them.
I hand it back.
“O.K., when it is your turn, you roll the 3 dice together, and you see what comes up. For each dot you roll, nothing happens at all. For each “L� you roll, you pass one of your chips to the player on your left. For each “R� you roll, you pass one of your chips to the player on your right. And for each “C� you roll, you place one chip into the centre of the table. And then you pass the dice to your left, and it is the next player’s turn.�
“I think I understand everything so far,� says Carol.
“Good, good,� replies Lance. “The game gets really tense near the end when everyone is getting low on chips. Once you only have 2 chips left, you can only roll 2 dice. And once you only have one chip left, you can only roll one dice.�
“Die,� I say.
“What?� asks Lance.
“Die,� I say again.
“What?� asks Lance again.
“Are you deaf? Die, I said. Die, die, die!� I tell him.
Penelope stands up suddenly. Gravity does its thing with her body. “You’re not still mad because of what Lance was doing earlier in the David and Goliath game, are you?� asks Penelope with concern in her voice.
“No,� I tell her.
“Lance apologized, you know,� she tells me.
“Yes, I know,� I tell her back.
Penelope doesn’t look happy. “Then why are you telling him to die?�
“I’m not. It’s not dice. It’s die. When you have more than one, it’s dice. When there’s only one, it’s die. When it’s plural, it’s geese. When it’s singular, it’s goose. When it’s plural, it’s dice. When it’s singular, it’s die. One “dice� is called a “die.�
“That’s kind of anal, isn’t it?� asks Penelope.
“I suppose,� I agree.
Penelope sits back down.
Lance carries on. “And just because you might run out of chips doesn’t matter. Because even when you have no chips left you are still in the game. That’s because one of your neighbors might roll an “L� or an “R� and have to pass you one of their chips. Then you’ll be back in the chips again.�
Carol nods. She understands.
“And how does the game end, you ask?� says Lance.
“How does the game end?� Bob asks.
“As soon as only ONE player has chips left, that player wins. He wins ALL the chips in the centre of the table.� Lance looks around the table.
Carol nods again. She still understands.
Lance says, “And that’s all there is to it. Lot’s of fun. Are we ready to start? Any questions?�
“Is that all the rules? There’s nothing else?� I inquire.
“No, that’s it for the basic game,� Lance tells everyone around the table.
“That’s good for a start,� says Carol “I don’t want it to get too complicated.�
“So,� I say. “We roll dice, and then depending on what we roll, we either pass a chip or chips to the left, and/or a chip or chips to the right, and/or a chip or chips to the pot in the centre of the table.�
“That’s right, you’ve got it,� says Lance. “You should do well in this game, you’ve got a good grasp of the rules already.�
“You haven’t left out any rules?� I ask him.
“Nope,� Lance says.
“That’s it? Roll dice, and move chips to the left or to the right or to the centre? You haven’t left anything out?�
“No, I’ve left nothing out. Do you want to go first?�
“Is this supposed to be a game?� I ask.
“What does that mean? Of course, it’s a game. Look here,� Lance pulls out the little instruction sheet. At the top it says “L-C-R Game Rules�.
Lance is smiling smugly at me. “See?� he asks. “Game Rules, it says. It’s a game. It wouldn’t say that if it wasn’t a game.�
“No, of course not,� I agree. “If it’s in print, it must be true. They don’t let people print stuff that isn’t true.� (Author’s note: If in doubt about that statement, please see The Classic Misadventures in Gaming #12.)
“Well, shall we start?� asks Lance.
“What are the advanced rules?� I ask.
“Oh, I don’t know if we should jump ahead like that,� cautions Lance.
“Oh no, Dan, I think we should just stick with the basic rules for now. Let’s just make sure everyone understands how to play before we start getting it all complicated,� states Carol.
“Sure, let’s go with it as is,� says Bob. “Carol wants to keep it simple.�
“Just enjoy the experience, Dan,� recommends Penelope. “It’s a great game. All our friends love it. It’s really a challenge to try and win this game.�
“Well, I hate to be Mr. Grump, but I fail to see the challenge in this game. It’s 100% luck. There’s absolutely nothing you can do to have any control over your fate in this game whatsoever. It’s not like you can get better at the game by getting really good at rolling dots.�
“Oh, but you can,� exclaims Penelope. “If you’re good at rolling dots, you’ll stay in the game a lot longer!� she tells me.
“But you can’t get good at rolling dots! That’s not a skill that one can acquire. I mean, hey, a little luck in a game is just fine. It keeps a game’s outcome in doubt to a certain extent. Depending on the game, and the type of game it is, luck can be a good thing. But this game doesn’t have just a little luck. This game doesn’t have just a fair portion of luck. This game doesn’t just have a lot of luck. This game is ALL luck. ALL luck. 100% luck. Luck, luck, luck. You can never get “good� at this game. Ever. There’s nothing you could ever do to win more often than just straight luck would dictate.�
“But Dan,� says Carol. “I hear you own lots and lots of games. Why are you afraid to play this one? Do you think I might win?� Carol is actually smirking at me.
“I’m not afraid. Fine, let’s play it,� I give in.
“If you don’t like it the way it is,� says Penelope, “maybe we could play strip L-C-R? I bet that would make the game a lot more interesting. Every time you roll a “C� you have to take off an article of clothing.� And there goes the rapid breathing again. It’s hard to take one’s eyes off Penelope’s water wings. So to speak.
And I must admit, her suggestion does make the game sound a lot more interesting....
Before anyone else can say anything, Penelope grabs the dice and throws them on the table. Two dots and a “C�. And quick as a wink, Penelope bends over in her chair, displaying her ample bosom, and whips off a sock.
“There!� she says, breathing heavily again. “See how easy it is!�
Bob says, “I don’t think we should play Strip L-C-R. We really don’t know you folks.�
Penelope laughs, “Oh, you just wait. After we finish this, I’ll get Lance to bring over our Twister game. By the end of the evening, we’ll all be REALLY close friends.�
I have a bad feeling about this....
To be continued......
Posted by Rick Thornquist on Jul 31, 2006 at 12:33 AM in Special Features, Misadventures in Gaming / 1704
