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The Classic Misadventures in Gaming #15
By Dan Bosley
August 2, 2006 (Originally Posted on May 18, 2003)
Editor’s Note: For those of you just tuning in, check out the first part of this story in The Classic Misadventures in Gaming #14.
Bob repeats his objection. “I’m willing to play L-C-R, but there’s no way I’m going to play strip L-C-R!.�
The rest of us concur.
“Oh, fine,� says Penelope dejectedly. “You guys are no fun.� And she puts her sock back on.
“O.K.,� says Lance. “Why don’t I start us off?�
Nobody else seems particularly anxious to be the starting player, so Lance it is.
Lance picks up the dice, and rolls an L and two dots. “Ha!� he says. “Not bad.� He passes one of his chips to the left, to Penelope.
“Why thank you, my handsome man,� says Penelope, and rolls the dice. One C, one R and one dot. She puts one chip in the centre and then gives the other one back to Lance.
“Why thank you right back, my lovely sweetie-pie sweetheart,� responds Lance.
I feel ill.
A couple of mindless rounds goes by. I find myself staring into space.
“Dan? Dan? DAN!� says Lance.
“Sorry, what?� I ask.
“It’s your turn,� he tells me.
“Oh, sorry.� I pick up the dice and roll two dots and one C. I put one chip into the centre. My 5-second turn is over. Then I go back to staring into space.
Carol has a total of 8 chips now, 3 more than she started with. She got the extras from me and from Bob on previous rounds.
“Wow, Carol, look at you!� Lance exclaims. “Look everyone. Look at Carol. She’s got 8 chips. She sure knows how to do well at this game.
“Thank you, Lance,� says Carol. “You are a darling for saying so.�
“Why thank you my sweetie-pie. You’re a darling, too, if I do say so myself. Just a beautiful, wonderful, human being,� Lance responds.
“Why no, Lance, you’re the one who is truly a marvelous and splendid Greek god,� Penelope tells Lance.
A few other descriptive terms for Lance and Penelope pass through my mind at that point, but I choose to keep them to myself.
Yet a couple more fun-filled rounds of L-C-R go by.
“Dan? Dan? DAN!� cries Lance again.
“What?� I ask.
“It’s your turn. What are you doing? What are you looking at?�
“Oh. Oh, I was just....um.....counting,� I tell Lance. “Yeah, I was counting.�
“Counting? Counting what?� inquires Lance
“Motes.�
“Moats?�
“Yeah, motes.�
“What do you mean, like around castles?�.
“No, not castle moats.� Why would Lance even think that? There’s not exactly a castle here.....
“I don’t get you. What do you mean moats?� Lance inquires.
“Dust motes,� I inform him.
“Dust motes? What do you mean, dust motes?� Lance asks.
Lance appears to be a very inquisitive fellow. He is certainly asking enough questions.
“Yes,� says Penelope, “whatever do you mean?�
“Um.... well you know,� I respond. “Dust motes. Little motes of dust. In the air. Little tiny pieces of dust. Tiny, tiny pieces. Little tiny motes of dust, and hair, and bits of cobweb, and vacuum debris, and maybe flakes of skin, and maybe little tiny insects, and other little, tiny, tiny, tiny things, just floating in the air. Floating ever so airily, like a cloud, just floating, just floating.....�
“Are you O.K.? Is something the matter with you? What are you talking about?� asks Penelope.
I tell her, “Dust motes. You know..... I am feeling very cosmic right now. Very cosmic. Very spatial. Very solar systemic. One with the universe. You know....you know how sometimes a ray of sunshine will burst through a window, and if you’re at just the right angle you can see all the dust just hanging there in the air?�
“Yes, I’ve seen that,� interjects Carol.
Lance is frowning. “I know what you mean, too, but there’s no ray of sunshine shining in here. You can’t see any dust motes in here,� Lance tells me, flatly and conclusively.
“Oh....� I say.
“It’s your turn,� Lance tells me. “Pull yourself together, man! Are you smoking something or what? Pay attention, man! How can you expect to do well in this game if you don’t focus on what you’re doing? Focus! That’s the key! Focus! Now, pay attention. You can’t win if you don’t watch to see what everyone’s doing.�
“Lance is right,� Penelope concurs. “You can’t win L-C-R unless you pay attention and plan your rolls.�
I look at Penelope. “You plan your rolls?�
“Of course, silly. That’s how you do well at this game. You see who has the most chips left, and you keep an eye on them. And you plan to roll dots. And if you plan really well, you’ll roll some dots. That’s how to do well at this game.�
I am dumbfounded. I must have been blind. I repeat, “You plan your rolls?�
“Yes, of course,� Penelope chides me. “And I’ll let you in on a little secret. When someone who is sitting beside me rolls, I plan their rolls too, so they will have to give me some chips.�
I don’t really know what to say.
“Why aren’t you saying anything?� asks Penelope.
“I don’t know. How....how do you plan other people’s rolls?� I ask.
“Oh, easy! Say for example, Diane is sitting to my left. So I want her to roll R’s. That way, she will have to give me some of her chips,� Penelope explains patiently to me. “That’s all you have to do.�
“And you do the same thing when it’s your turn?� I ask.
“Yes, of course. Only then, of course, I plan to roll dots. I sure don’t want to roll an L or a C or an R,� Penelope adds.
“You plan your rolls? You think to yourself - hey, I’m going to roll 3 dots this turn - and then you roll the dice, hoping to get 3 dots?�
“Yes, that’s a good example,� agrees Penelope.
“So what happens if you plan to roll 3 dots, and instead you only roll 1 dot, or no dots? What does that mean?�
“That simply means I wasn’t planning hard enough. I wasn’t focused. You have to be focused, like Lance said. That’s why you’re not doing very well in this game, Dan. You’re sitting there daydreaming instead of being focused on the game. You can’t win if you’re not focused,� Penelope cautions me.
I turn to Bob. “Bob, what planet are we on?� I inquire.
“Earth.� Bob informs me.
“Thank you,� I tell him.
“Are you through dilly-dallying?â€? asks Lance. “This is a good game. It’s fun, and a blast to play. You’re the first person I’ve ever met who doesn’t seem to like it. I think maybe you don’t play too many games, or you would like this one.â€?
“But this isn’t a game. It’s just a gambling thing,� I offer.
“Of course it’s a game. It has a winner, and it has losers. If that’s not a game, I don’t know what is. It’s a game,� Lance defends it.
“That’s your only definition of a game - that it has a winner and some losers? I don’t think so. I think to be a true game, the activity you are involved in has to give you at least some opportunity to influence the outcome in some way. There has to be an opportunity for decisions to be made. For YOU to make decisions. The decisions don’t have to be world-shaking or monumental or anything. But there has to be at least SOME decisions! Otherwise, the thing can just play itself,� I lecture him.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. This is a good game. People like to play it.�
“I’m not saying people might not like to play it. People like to buy lottery tickets and do scratch and wins, and play bingo, and play slot machines too. All those things are very popular, there’s no denying that. But in my opinion, none of those things are really games. At least, not games in the way I think of games. What those things are, is plain and simple, gambling. A chance to win some money. In my opinion, L-C-R is just another way to gamble. Only we’re just gambling with chips, and not real money. People have been gambling forever, and probably always will. And L-C-R probably appeals to those people just like slot machines appeal to those people. But you can’t tell me that I have to focus to play this game. It doesn’t matter one little bit whether I focus or not. There is absolutely nothing - NOTHING - I can do to better my chances of winning this game. Nor can I worsen my chances. There’s nothing for me to do except roll the dice and see where the dice say to go. It’s the same as pulling the lever on a slot machine - I can’t influence where the wheels stop - they stop where they stop and that’s it.�
“But Dan,� says Penelope. “You’re forgetting what I just told you! You have to plan your rolls. And once you get good at that, then you can start planning other people’s rolls.�
Lance is staring at me. “You know,� he says. “You’re not even trying. Just focus, that’s all you have to do. Give the game a chance.�
“O.K., fine. I’ll focus. Give me the dice.�
I begin to focus. I glare at the dice in my palm. I am trying to melt them by sheer mental willpower, but it doesn’t seem to be working. I glare some more at them.
“What are you doing?� Lance asks.
I continue to glare at the dice.
“Are you focusing on the dice?� Penelope interrogates me.
“I’m focusing on the dice. I’m trying to win. I’m trying to influence my chances for victory. Like you told me I should do,� I respond. The veins in my forehead are standing out. I am focusing very, very hard.
“O.K., I think that’s enough,� advises Lance.
“How do you know what’s enough? First you tell me to focus, and now you’re telling me to hurry up. So which is it?� I want to know.
“Sorry, sorry. Well, when you’re ready, roll the dice. Everyone is anxious to see what’s going to happen,� Lance advises me.
I glare at the dice some more. Finally I roll them. I have used all my willpower to melt them, or at the worst, make them come up with 3 dots. But instead I have rolled two C’s and only 1 dot. And the dice don’t appear to have melted whatsoever. So much for focus.
“Ho-Ho,� laughs Lance. “Nice roll! Two into the pot! You only have one chip left! Ha ha!�
The game of L-C-R continues. I give up trying to melt the dice, and try to make them levitate instead, permanently right into the ceiling. But that doesn’t work, either. Finally, only Lance and Bob have any chips left in front of them. Bob has 2 and Lance has 1.
It is Lance’s turn. “Here goes!� he cries, and throws the one die he is allowed to roll.
And it comes up a “C�.
“You win!� yells Lance to Bob. “Great game! You gave me a real challenge!�
“Thanks,� says Bob.
“Well, that was a great game. Well played, Bob! Well played, indeed! So? Are we ready for the advanced rules now?� asks Lance.
“Sure,� says Carol. “The beginner’s game didn’t seem too hard.�
“I think they are ready,� comments Penelope. “Most everybody, anyway,� she says, glancing in my direction.
“O.K.,� says Lance. “The advanced rules are this. The basic gameplay is still the same. Only instead of using chips, we use money. Real money. Say a dollar a chip? That should make it more interesting,� Lance comments.
“You want to play for money, now?� I ask.
“Yes,� Lance says.
“What are the other rules?� I ask.
“What other rules?�
“What are the other advanced rules?� I ask.
“That’s all of them. We play for money instead,� Lance informs me.
“There are no other rules? The only difference is we’re going to play with money instead of with chips? The advanced game is EXACTLY the same as the beginners’ game except you play with money instead of chips?,� I seek to clarify.
“You’ve got it,� Lance says, smiling teethily at me.
“That’s not a different game The game is exactly the same. Only the stakes are different. All you’re doing is gambling for real money now, instead of for little plastic chips!� I say exasperatedly.
“That’s right! It makes things a lot more exciting!� Lance states.
“This is nothing but gambling - pure and simple!� I reply.
“It’s a fun game, Dan. Just give it a try. It’ll be a lot more exciting than the first game was,� Penelope advises me.
“Thanks, but I think I’ll sit this one out,� I inform them.
“Fine, your loss,� Lance tells me.
“Say, Carol,� I turn to her. “Do you still have all those ferns in your garden in the backyard?�
“Yes, I do. Why do you ask?� Carol looks at me inquisitively.
“If you don’t mind, I think I’ll just go out there for awhile and get some air.�
And so I excuse myself from the next game, leave the table, and go out into the backyard where all the ferns are. After the hectic, breakneck excitement of the L-C-R game, it’s quite a relief to find myself outside in the relative peace and quiet of the backyard, where one can truly enjoy the gathering of fronds.
Posted by Rick Thornquist on Aug 2, 2006 at 10:19 PM in Special Features, Misadventures in Gaming / 1103
