The New Misadventures in Gaming #2

By Dan Bosley
May 19, 2005

Editor’s Note: For those of you just tuning in, check out the first part of this story in The New Misadventures in Gaming #1.

We are still waiting for Ken to take his turn in the Bocce game we are playing at their place on Mayne Island.  Ken is now laying on his stomach, getting a grass eye’s look at the pea.  His throwing ball is in his outstretched right hand.  With his left hand, he is flattening the grass in front of him, pushing the blades down so that there will be less resistance when he finally does roll his ball.  Of course, when it gets right down to it, his whole body is flattening the grass in preparation for his throw, thus speeding up the course.

Ken rolls over onto his back and gazes into the sky.

Ken is clearly not yet ready to throw the ball.

Accordingly, while Bob, Carol, Barbie, Diane and I continue to wait for Ken to take his turn, let me instead address the sad affair of the Mother’s Day gaming fiasco.

It is Mother’s Day, and we have been invited over to Diane’s brother’s place for Mother’s Day dinner.

Earlier in the afternoon, Diane and I had picked up Grandma and Grandpa and given them a ride to Vern and Elizabeth’s home.  Grandma and Grandpa are in their early 80’s and no longer drive.

Well, that’s not entirely true.  Grandpa doesn’t drive at all anymore, but Grandma still drives to the grocery store and back, on sunny days only, of course.  Driving at night is out.  Driving in the rain is out.  Driving over bridges is out.  Driving on the freeway is out.  In fact, driving over 30 miles per hour on any road at all is out.  Driving in reverse is out. Driving on the weekends is out.  Driving on days of the week containing “S�? or “T�? in them is out.  Driving when there are other cars on the road is out.  But driving to the grocery store is still in. 

Grandma and Grandpa also like to complain about the price of gas, isn’t it awful what they charge, I remember when you could fill up for only a couple of dollars and get change back, it’s so annoying that we still have to get gas in the car once every 3 months or so whether it needs it or not.  And what about the cost of car insurance, don’t get us started on that.  We don’t go fast enough to need insurance.

Grandma and Grandpa bought their car brand new.  It is now 8 years old and has racked up 18,000 kilometres already.  At this rate, they might need new tires before they turn 100 years old.  This, apparently, is a concern.

Anyhow, we picked them up, so their driving skills are not needed today.

We’re at Vern and Elizabeth’s now.  They have two teenagers, Jessica and Derek.  The eight of us will be having Mother’s Day dinner together. 

I have brought along a couple of games for possible post-dinner entertainment.  The two games I brought are currently sitting in the trunk of my car. 

In the past, whenever I have toted along games to these family functions, the games I have chosen have always been light party games.  Apples to Apples, for example, is about as heavy as it gets at one of these family functions.  However, we’ve also done Apples to Apples pretty much to death, so I figured it was time for something new. 

Ha.

Dumb move on my part. 

I learn to my chagrin that Apples to Apples is not done to death.  And never will be.  Ever.  With this crowd, one does not leave Apples to Apples at home.  One does not ever bring new games to play.  One brings Apples to Apples.  There should always be a copy of Apples to Apples in my trunk.  What was I thinking?  Where was my mind at?  Apples to Apples is fun.  Other games aren’t fun.  Apples to Apples is fun.  Fun fun fun.  Why wouldn’t I bring Apples to Apples with me?  We like that game.  Apples to Apples is what I should have brought.  Or if you can’t bring that game, a game just like it.  Is there a sequel?  Bananas to Bananas?  Why wouldn’t you bring Apples to Apples?  Didn’t you know we liked that game?  It’s really, really good.  I’m really good at it, too.  You really should have brought Apples to Apples.  We like that game.  It’s fun, did you know that?  These new games you brought better not be hard.  Apples to Apples is really fun.  It’s the best game ever.  It’s full of words and things.  And it’s really good, because you hardly have to think at all.  That’s why it’s so fun. Thinking isn’t fun.  Apples to Apples is great!

(Note to self:  bring Apples to Apples next time.)

I should point out that neither Grandma nor Grandpa made any of the above comments.  That’s mainly because they can’t ever remember playing Apples to Apples before, so every game is a fresh and new experience to them.  I guess that’s one advantage to getting up there in years.  Everything old is new again.  Another advantage is that you get to hide your own Easter Eggs.

After dinner, I get quizzed about the last Murder Mystery night I performed in a couple of weeks earlier.  It was a pirate theme, and I got to wear an eye patch and say “Arrgggh!�? a lot, so it was a lot of fun.

I was supposedly the descendant of that famous pirate, John Hornswoggle.  For those that don’t know about Hornswoggle, a brief aside is in order.

Hornswoggle was discovered by Blackbeard himself in a dim tavern when Blackbeard was looking to recruit some new men to his pirate band.  Blackbeard noticed Hornswoggle because Hornswoggle looked to be an experienced seaman - he had a peg-leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over a glass eye.

Blackbeard called Hornswoggle over.  Hornswoggle came over to Blackbeard’s table.

“What happened to your leg, man?�? Blackbeard asked Hornswoggle.

“Me peg-leg, ye mean, sair?�? replied Hornswoggle.

“Yes.  How did you lose your leg?�? Blackbeard inquired.

“Arrggh, we was sailing ‘round the Horn in rough seas, and I was swept overboard.  I thought I was done fer, but me mateys managed to get a rope thrown down to me.  Lucky I was indeed to grab the rope, but not too lucky.  Before me mateys could haul me up, a blighter of a shark came up and bit off me leg!  Then me mateys hauled me up, minus one leg.  That’s how come I gots the peg-leg now, sair.�?

“I see,�? said Blackbeard.

Hornswoggle smiled at Blackbeard.  Hornswoggle didn’t have many teeth left.  Dental hygiene was not a high priority in the good ol’ pirate days.

“Well,�? said Blackbeard.  “What happened to your hand?  How did you get your hook?�?

“Arrggh, we was fightin’ a merchantman ship, and the fightin’ was fierce.  Man to man combat it was, swords and cutlasses a-flailing about, swinging high and swinging low, if you know what I mean.  It was a dangerous time.  One of me own mateys beside me swung his sword and sadly cut off me hand by mistake.  It was a case of friendly slashing, if ye get me drift.  So when we got back to town, I had the doctor there attach this hook in place of me hand.�?

“I see,�? said Blackbeard.  “You’ve had your share of misfortunes.�?

“Aye, ye might say that, sair,�? replied Hornswoggle.

“Well.  What about your eye?  How did you lose your eye?�? inquired Blackbeard.

“Oh, that,�?  said Hornswoggle.  “A seagull dropping did that, sair.�?

“What?!  What do you mean?�? Blackbeard sought for further details.

“Sair, it was a lovely, sunny day, and this ‘ere seagull was flying around and about the ship, looking’ fer food, I suppose.  Around and about it was flyin’,�? Hornswoggle explained.

“Yes, go on,�? commanded Blackbeard.

“I happened to look up at the wrong time just as the seagull flew over me head, and sure enough, plop, the seagull dropping landed right in me eye,�? said Hornswoggle.

“But how could you lose your eye from just a seagull dropping?,�?  Blackbeard asked. “I don’t understand.�?

“Arrgghh, well you see,�? Hornswoggle elaborated, “it was the first day with me new hook.�?

I head out to the car and retrieve the two games I brought with me from the trunk.

Back inside, everyone is crowded around the coffee table in the living room to play a game.  There appears to be some unwritten rule that we are not allowed to play a game at the much bigger dining room table.  That’s because it is post-dinner, we are all digesting now, we are all relaxing now, we are all very full, and we can relax much better out in the living room squished around a small coffee table than we can by sitting around a big, spacious dining room table.  Apparently one can not digest or relax if one is still at the dining room table. 

I pull out a small Christmas box, about 6 inches by 5 inches by 4 inches.

“What’s that?�? Elizabeth inquires.  “That looks like a Christmas gift box, not a game.�?

“It is,�? I reply.  “It is a Christmas gift box.  I put the game in here because it’s so much smaller.  The box the game originally came in was way too big for what the game contained - it was basically full of air.  So I put the game components in here, and threw away the game box.�?

“You threw away the game box?  Why would you do that?  I thought you were a game collector?  Don‘t you have a ridiculously large collection of games?�? Elizabeth asks.

“I’m a collector, but I’m not a true-blue collector, I suppose.  I buy games to play them, not to just sit on a shelf still in their shrinkwrap, to never, ever be played.  In fact, almost all of my games are indeed still in their original boxes, but this one just seemed to contain far too much air.  So I put it in this Christmas box.�?

I open the lid and take out a deck of cards and a small plastic bomb.  The game comes with a special die, too, but I leave that in the box, deciding that with this group it would be better if the letters that come up on the cards can be anywhere in the word, anytime.  The die restricts that choice, and I figure we don’t need it.

“What is this game called?�?  asks Jessica.

“Pass the Bomb.�?

I explain how the game is played.

I then turn over the first card, and start the bomb ticking. 

The letters on the card say “ION.�?

“LION,�? I say.

I pass the bomb to Grandma, who is sitting on the couch to my left.  Grandma looks at the bomb in her hand.  “Is this ticking?�?

“Yes.  Can’t you hear it?�? I ask.

“What?�? says Grandma.

“The bomb.  Can you hear the bomb ticking?�?

“The bomb?�? asks Grandma.

“Yes, the bomb is ticking.  Can you hear it?�?

“No.  Is it ticking?�? Grandma asks. 

“Yes, it’s ticking.  The bomb is ticking.“

“I can’t hear it.  Are you sure?“

“Yes, very sure.“

“That’s funny I can’t hear it,“ Grandma says.  “It must not be ticking very loud.�?

“It’s pretty loud.  Hurry, Grandma, it’s your turn.�?

Grandma turns to Grandpa, and asks him, “Can you hear it?�?

“What?�? asks Grandpa.

“Can you hear this?�?

“Hear what?�? asks Grandpa.

“This,�? says Grandma.

“What?�? asks Grandpa.

“This,�? says Grandma.

“That?�? asks Grandpa.

“Yes, this,�? says Grandma.

“I’m not sure,�? says Grandpa.  “It’s pretty noisy in here.  All I can hear is ticking.�?

“What?�? asks Grandma.

“Ticking,�? answers Grandpa.

“What about it?�? asks Grandma.

“I don’t know, you asked me,�? Grandpa says.

“What?  Speak up,�? commands Grandma.

Grandma is, shall we say, a little hard of hearing, and doesn‘t want to admit it.  Talking to her, especially on the phone, can be quite interesting, as while you are having one conversation with her, she is having a totally different one, because everything you say is highly unlikely to be what she hears.

“Grandma,�?  I interrupt.  “The bomb is ticking.  You’re running out of time.�?

“This is ticking?�? inquires Grandma.

“Yes, it’s ticking.  Say a word with I-O-N in it, Grandma,�? I tell her.

“I-O-N in it?�? asks Grandma.

“Yes, the letters on the card here,�? I say, pointing to the card on the table.  “I-O-N�?

“Well, I don’t know,�? says Grandma. 

“Well, I said LION.  Now you say another word that also has ION in it,�? I explain.

Grandma is thinking.  The bomb is ticking.  Grandma is still thinking.

“Is this still ticking?�? asks Grandma, indicating the bomb in her hand.

“YES!  Hurry, Grandma, the bomb’s going to go off any second!�? cries out Jessica.

“You think they would have made it louder.  It’s funny I can’t hear it.  Can you hear it?�? she asks Grandpa.

“What?�? Grandpa asks her in response.

“Can you hear it?�? she asks again.

“The bomb?�? Grandpa inquires.

“What?�? Grandma asks.

“He hears it, Grandma.  You need to say a word with ION in it,�? I tell her.

“Iron?�? Grandma questions me.

“No, no, I-O-N, like on the card here.  ION.�?

“Hmmm,�? says Grandma.

“We had some at dinner tonight,�? hints Vern.

“What?�? replies Grandma.

“We had some at dinner tonight.  At dinner.  We ate something tonight with ION in it.�?

“We ate something with iron in it?�?

“No, no Grandma.  Not iron, but ION, like on the card.  I-O-N.  We had something with I-O-N in it at dinner tonight.�?

“Peas?�? asks Grandma.

“Well, yes, we had peas, but we also had something with ION in it.�?

“I don’t know,�? replies Grandma.

The bomb is, amazingly, still ticking.

“Grandma!�? says Jessica.  “they’re white, they’re a vegetable.�?

“A potato?  Not a potato, that doesn’t have ION in it, does it?,�? Grandma seeks confirmation.  “There’s no ION in potato, is there?�?

“No, not a potato What else did we have?�? Jessica asks.

“Oh, oh, I think I know.  ONIONS,�? Grandma says.

“O.K., Grandma, now pass the bomb to Jessica sitting beside you.  Give her the bomb.�?  I motion with my hand to pass the bomb to Jessica.

Jessica basically grabs the bomb out of Grandma’s hand, says “IONIZE�?, and passes the bomb to Vern.

“MOTION,�?  says Vern, and passes the bomb to Grandpa.

“Well,�?  says Grandpa.  “I had a word.  Now I don’t have it anymore.�?

Grandpa is thinking while the bomb ticks.

“Make a train out of mine,�? hints Vern.  “Put something in front of it.  Something in front of MOTION.�?

Grandpa looks at Vern.  His brain his computing what Vern has told him.  “O.K..  O.K.,�? says Grandpa.  “I can do that.�?

Everyone is looking at Grandpa.  What is he waiting for? 

“Grandpa?�? asks Jessica.

“Yup, yup, “ says Grandpa.

“Hurry, the bomb is really going to go off any second now,�? Jessica pleads.

“Don’t rush me, I want to get it right,�? says Grandpa.

“Hurry, please!�? says Jessica

“Yup, O.K., I got it, I got it, that would be LOCOMOTION.�?

“Pass the bomb, pass the bomb!�? Derek cries out.  He is sitting beside Grandpa, and pulls the bomb out of Grandpa’s hand.

“NATION,�? says Derek, and passes the bomb to Elizabeth.

“NOTION,�? says Elizabeth, and passes the bomb to Diane.

“JUNCTION,�? says Diane, and passes the bomb to me.

And the bomb goes off in my hand.  Everyone laughs. 

“Why is everyone laughing?�? Grandma asks.

“The bomb just went off, Grandma. It went off in Uncle Dan’s hand.  He’s got a card against him.  So you’re beating him now,�? Jessica informs Grandma.

“Good,�? says Grandma. “Can we stop now?  That way he can’t win.�?

I look over at Grandma.  She smiles at me sweetly.

I turn over the next card.

There are a couple of cards with letter combinations in the game of Pass the Bomb that lend themselves, at least in English, to instant thoughts of words that we shouldn’t be using.  Especially when Grandma and Grandpa are playing.  And naturally, the law of shuffled cards says that one of those cards is going to come up in this game.

“What’s that card say?�? Grandma asks.

I look at the other players.  They all look back.

“It says F-U, Grandma,�? I tell her.

To be continued…..

Meanwhile, back on Mayne Island, Ken has now gone to the shed and returned with the lawn mower.  He starts it up and begins to mow the grass all around the pea.

“Is he allowed to do this?�? asks Diane.  “When is he going to take his turn?�?

“Who knows?  And as far as being allowed to do this, I’m sure if you asked him, he’d just say there’s no rule against it,�?  I comment.

We all stand there and watch Ken mow the lawn.  He is careful not to mow over the pea.

Finally, he finishes and puts the mower away.  He comes back and picks up his ball.

“You missed a spot,�? says Bob, pointing to a small clump of grass a few feet away from the pea.

“Oh, thanks,�? says Ken.  He puts the ball down and heads back to get the lawn mower again.

Also to be continued….

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