The New Misadventures in Gaming #4

By Dan Bosley
June 16, 2005

Meanwhile, back on Mother’s Day, playing Pass the Bomb....

“F-U,�? repeats Grandma.  “F-U.�?

“Yes, those are the letters, Grandma,�? I tell her.  Everyone else at the table, except Grandpa, is trying not to laugh.  Grandpa, just like Grandma, seems unaware that there is even anything remotely funny at the table.

“You know,�? says Vern, “this reminds me of a joke.�?  He pauses for effect.

We all look at him.  Vern doesn’t say anything else.

“Well?�? asks his wife, Elizabeth.  “Are you going to tell it?�?

“What’s Vern doing?�? asks Grandma.

“He’s going to tell a joke, Grandma,�? Jessica tells her.

Vern is still pausing, supposedly for even more effect. Either that or he is trying to remember how it goes.

We’re all looking at him now, except for Grandma.  Grandma is looking out the window.

“O.K,�? Vern say.  “Here goes.�?

“What?�? asks Grandma.  “We have to go?�?

“No, no, you’re not going anywhere.  Vern’s going to tell a joke.  It’s a joke, Grandma.  Vern is going to tell us a joke.�?

“I thought we were playing this bomb game?�? inquires Grandma.  “Aren’t we playing this bomb game?�?

“We are, we are.  Vern’s just going to tell us a joke first..  Then we’ll get right back to the game,�? I tell her.

“Is the bomb ticking?�? asks Grandma.

“No, no, not at the moment.  Vern’s going to tell us a joke, first,�? I tell her.

“FUDGE,�? Grandma says loudly.

We all look at her.

“Pardon?�? I ask.

“FUDGE,�? Grandma repeats loudly.  “My word is FUDGE.�?

“Oh, that’s good, Grandma, that’s good.  When we start playing again, you use that word, O.K.?�?

“What’s wrong with it?�? Grandma inquires.

“Nothing, nothing.  Nothing’s wrong with FUDGE.  But we’re not playing yet.  Vern’s going to tell us a joke first, then we’ll play.  When we start playing the game again, you use FUDGE.�?

Grandma nods. “I see.  Is this joke funny?�?

“I don’t know, I haven’t heard it yet,�? I tell her.

“Isn’t it your joke?  You don’t know if it’s funny or not?�? asks Grandma.

“No, no, it’s not my joke.  It’s Vern’s joke.  He’s going to tell it now.  So let’s listen and he’ll tell his joke,�? I inform her.

“IS it funny?�? asks Elizabeth, looking directly at Vern.

“Yeah, I think so.  It was funny when I heard it, anyway,�? says Vern.

“FUNNY,�? says Grandpa.

“What?�? asks Vern.

“FUNNY.  My word is FUNNY,�? states Grandpa.

“That’s great, Grandpa, but we’re not playing yet.  Vern’s telling a joke first,�? I tell him.

“I just want to say my word.  You let Grandma say her word even though we’re not playing yet.  I just want my word in there, so none of you can use it.  My word is FUNNY,�? Grandpa explains.

“FUDGE,�? says Grandma.

“FUNNY,�? says Grandpa. 

“It’s not your turn,�? Grandma tells Grandpa.  “Jessica comes after me,�? Grandma informs him.

“We’re not playing yet,�? Grandpa tells Grandma.

“Well, what are you saying your word for if we’re not playing yet?�? Grandma asks.

“You said your word first,�? Grandpa says.

“I just don’t want to forget it,�? Grandma replies.  “I’m not playing.  I’m just practicing.�?

“Well so was I.  FUNNY,�? says Grandpa.

“FUDGE,�? responds Grandma.

“FUNNY,�? repeats Grandpa.

“FUDGE,�? replies Grandma.

“O.K, you two kids, that’s enough, break it up,�? I tell them.  Hard to believe sometimes that they’ve been married over fifty years.

“You should pass me the bomb so we can play,�? says Grandma, looking at me.

“I will when we start playing.  I had the bomb in my hand when it went off last round, so I get to start this round,�? I explain.

“Why?�?

“Why?  Because those are the rules.  I start the next round.�?

“Is Vern finished his joke yet?�? asks Grandma.

“He hasn’t even started it yet,�? I tell her.

“Why not?�?

“Because you were talking,�? Vern says.  “I was kind of waiting for silence before I begin,�? states Vern.

“You may be waiting awhile,�? I tell him.

“I’m listening,�? says Grandma. 

That may be debatable, but no one says anything to contradict her.

“O.K., then, here goes,�? says Vern.

“I hope I laugh at this,�? says Grandma.

“We hope so, too, Grandma,�? I tell her.

“O.K.,�? says Vern.  “this takes place in a big grocery store in the produce section.�?

“I know this one,�? says Grandma.  “It’s not very good.  Let’s play the game,�? requests Grandma.  “FUDGE.  Pass me the bomb.�?

“Grandma, please!�?  Jessica pleads. 

Grandma looks out the window.  I think I hear her mutter “Fudge�? under her breath.

“All right,�? says Vern, and launches into his joke.

One day, in the grocery store, a clerk is working hard, putting away all the various produce here and there, when all of a sudden there is a tap on his shoulder.  He turns around, and he sees this little old lady standing there, smiling up at him.

“Yes?�? he asks her politely.  “May I help you?

“Oh yes, young man, oh yes oh yes you can.  I was looking around for the tomatoes, and I can’t seem to find them.  Can you help me?�?

The clerk smiles.  “No problem, ma’am, they’re right over here -�?  He stops talking.  The shelf where all the tomatoes were located is now totally empty.  “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am.  We must have had a run on them.  We’re right out of tomatoes.  I’m really sorry. You’ll have to come back tomorrow.  We’ll be getting another shipment of them in then, in the morning.  You’ll be able to get some then.�?

“Oh, that’s no problem, young man.  Thank you for your help.�?  And the little old lady moves off, over to another section in the produce department.

The clerk goes back to putting away the rutabagas.

“What store was it?�? asks Grandma.

“What?�? Vern asks, startled at having his joke interrupted.

“What store was it?�? asks Grandma again.

“Um, it was, um, it was Safeway,�? Vern says.

“Oh, I don’t think so.  There’s always tomatoes at Safeway.  I don’t think they would be running out,�? Grandma instructs us.

“It’s just a joke.  O.K., it wasn’t at Safeway.  It was at, um, Food R Us.�?

“What?  What name?�? demands Grandma.

“Food R Us,�? Vern says.

“What?  What?  I’ve never heard of such a store,�? says Grandma.

“Well, that’s because there isn’t any such store.  I just made it up.  It’s a joke.  It doesn’t matter what the store’s called.  It’s just a grocery store,�? Vern says exasperatedly.

“FURNACE,�? announces Grandpa.  “There, FURNACE.  Now I have two words ready.  Nobody can pick FURNACE except me. I am the FURNACE fellow.  FURNACE and FUNNY.�?

Grandma says,“You can’t pick two words yet.  You can’t just say words and then say that nobody else can say them.  What if I want to use FURNITURE?�? Grandma asks Grandpa.

Grandpa looks puzzled.  “Go ahead,�? he says.

“What?�? asks Grandma back.

“Go ahead and use FURNITURE, I don’t care,�? says Grandpa. “I already have my two words.�?

“What are you talking about?�? asks Grandma.  “I am using the furniture.  I’m sitting on it.�?

“He didn’t say FURNITURE, Grandma, he said FURNACE.  FURNACE and FUNNY.�? I explain.

“How come he gets to pick two words?�? Grandma wants to know.

“You can pick two words, too.  You already have, in fact.  FUDGE and FURNITURE.  We’ll let you have those words.  The rest of us will pick other words.�?

“FUR.  What about FUR?  I want FUR too,�? states Grandma.

“O.K., you get FUR too.�?

“Are you giving her three words!?�? exclaims Grandpa.  “What way is this to play a game?�? Grandpa asks.

“I have no idea,�? I reply.  “I’ve never played this game quite this way before.�?

“Can I finish my joke?�? asks Vern.

“I thought you were done,�? answers Grandma.

“No.  No, I’ve only just started it,�? answers Vern.

“Wasn’t the funny part Food R US?�? asks Grandma.

“No.  That’s not even part of the joke,�? says Vern.

“Well, it’s certainly not very funny,�? comments Grandma.  “Why did you put it in if it’s not part of the joke?�?

Vern’s eyes widen.  “I only put it in because you asked what the name of the store was.  If you hadn’t asked, the store wouldn’t even have had a name!�?

“Well, that’s ridiculous,�? says Grandma.  “Of course the store has to have a name.  I’ve never been in a store without a name.  They always have a name.�?

“Finish your joke, Vern, go ahead,�? I tell him.

Vern carries on where he left off.

The grocery clerk continues to put the produce away.  Suddenly there is a tap on his shoulder again.  He turns to look, and there is that same little old lady standing there, right in front of him.  She smiles up at him.

“Yes?�? he asks.  “What can I do for you now?�?

“Oh yes, young man.  I was just wondering where you keep your tomatoes?�? the sweet little old lady inquires.

The clerk gives the little old lady a look.  “Um, I just spoke to you a couple of minutes ago, ma’am.  We are fresh out of tomatoes at the moment.  I’m really sorry, you’ll have to come back tomorrow.�?

“Thank you, young man.�?

And the little old lady turns around and wanders over to the apples and oranges section.

The clerk shakes his head and goes back to stocking the carrots.

“Carrots?�? asks Grandma.  “He wasn’t doing carrots before, was he?�?

Vern looks at Grandma.  “No.  He.  Wasn’t.�?

“Isn’t that important?�? inquires Grandma.

“No.  It.  Isn’t,�? says Vern.

“What were my words again?�? Grandpa asks.  “I’ve forgotten.�?

“FUNNY.  And FURNACE,�? I tell him.

“Oh, I know those two.  I meant the other ones.�?

“You didn’t have any other ones, Grandpa,�? Jessica informs him.

“Oh yes, I did.  I had a bunch.  What were they again?�?

“No, you only had those two.�?

“Can we just finish my joke first?�? asks Vern

“Why do you keep stopping it?�? Grandma asks.

“I know I had a bunch of words,�? says Grandpa.

“If this joke’s so funny, I don’t know why you don’t just get on with it,�? comments Grandma.

“I had a bunch of words.  I know I did,�? says Grandpa.

“I haven’t laughed yet,�? says Grandma.  “Maybe you should tell a different joke.  One that is funny.�?

“FUNNY!  That’s one of my words,�? says Grandpa.

“Yes, we know.  And FURNACE.  Don’t forget FURNACE,�? I remind him.

“That’s right.  FURNACE.  FURNACE and FUNNY.  But I had more than that,�? Grandpa remarks.

“Go on with the joke, Vern,�?  I say.

The grocery clerk is still putting the produce away.  Suddenly there is a tap once again on his shoulder.  He turns to look, and sure enough, there is that same little old lady again, standing right in front of him.  It has only been one minute since she last tapped him on the shoulder. She smiles up at him.

“Yes ma’am?�? he asks as pleasantly as he can.  “Now how can I help you?�?

“Oh please.  I was just wondering where you keep your tomatoes?�? the sweet little old lady inquires.

The clerk stares at her.  “Uh, ma’am, I’ve told you a couple of times now.  We are fresh out of tomatoes at the moment.  They’re all gone.  We don’t have any left.  I’m really, really sorry, but you’ll have to come back tomorrow.  We’ll have some tomatoes again in the morning,�? he says as politely as he can. 

“Thank you, young man. You’re very nice.�?

And the little old lady turns around and wanders over to the parsley section.

The clerk stares after her, and rolls his eyes.  He turns back to the corn section now.

“This story never ends,�? comments Grandma.

“FURVIS,�? says Grandpa.

“What?!�? Vern says.

“FURVIS.  That’s one of my words,�? Grandpa says proudly.

“There’s no such word as FURVIS.�?

“Are you sure?�? Grandpa asks.

“Well, pretty sure.  I’ve never heard of FURVIS,�? I say.

“I’m ready to play now,�? states Grandma.

“You’ve heard of NERVOUS, haven’t you?�? Grandpa asks.

“Yes.�?

“Well, FURVIS is when you’re really, really nervous.�?

We all look at Grandpa.

“I don’t think so.  We’re not going to allow that word.�?

“Pass me the bomb so we can get started,�? says Grandma.

“FURVIS is a word.  It goes with my other words.  FUNNY FURVIS FURNACE,�? states Grandpa.

“No, we’re not going to allow FURVIS.  Use, I don’t know, use FUMBLE instead,�? I say.

“HEY, wait a minute, that was MY word!�? says Vern.

“Sorry,�? I tell him.

“How come you’re telling him words?�? Grandma asks, pointing at Grandpa.  “Nobody’s helping me!�?

“Sorry,�? I tell her.

“You should give me a word, too,�? Grandma advises.

“You already have three words,�? I tell her.

“I need another F-U word,�? says Grandma.

“Vern, finish your joke so we can get on with it,�? I plead.

The clerk is stocking the corn, when a minute later, he feels the tap-tap-tap on his shoulder again.  He whirls about, and there she is again, the same little old lady.

“Excuse me young man,�? she says.  “I was wondering where the tomatoes are?�?

The clerk can’t believe she is back again, and with the same question again.

“Could you tell me where the tomatoes are?�? she asks again.

The clerk stares at her.  Then an idea comes to him.  “Look lady,�? the clerk says.  “If you took the letter R out of the word CORN, what would you have?�?

“I don’t know what you mean,�? the little old lady says.

“Just take the letter R out of the word CORN, spell it out, what would you have?�?

The little old lady looks at him puzzledly for a moment, and then says, “CON?�?

“That’s right.  That’s right,�? the clerk affirms.  “Now, if you took the letter P out of the word PEACH, what would you have?�?

She thinks for a moment and then says, “EACH?�?

“That’s correct.  Two for two so far.  Now,�? the clerk says, “if you took the letter F out of the word TOMATOES, what would you have?�?

The little old lady thinks for a moment, and then says quickly, “There ain’t no F in TOMATOES.�?

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, lady!�? the clerk says and walks away.

Grandma suddenly says “I just thought of another F-U word!�?

Without further ado, I start the bomb ticking, say “INFURIATING,�? and pass the bomb to Grandma.

To be continued....

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